I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
