I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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