I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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