I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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