Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
