Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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