I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize