I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
