can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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