I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
