the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
