How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
