then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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