she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
