im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
whose parrot is this?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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