absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
