He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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