I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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