Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
