make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
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the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
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On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.