So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze