I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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