Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just found puke in my bra..
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
