She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
