and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
