a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
