I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
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we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
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Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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