In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
