On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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