His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
