my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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