Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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