Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
