at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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