I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
