Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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