so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
