Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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