when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
