I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
