my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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