I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
