He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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