after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
