he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
