What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
