It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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