My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
