New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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