He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
