At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
