I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
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I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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