I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
