After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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