I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
