Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
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her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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