You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
