Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
not ubering you a puppy
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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