someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
