i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
