paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Are we still banned from the library?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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