I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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