I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Someone signed my nipple.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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