I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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