How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
