That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Randomize
