how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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